It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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