She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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