You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize