Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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