I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
