The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
