this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
