i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
