Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
