Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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