your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
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