Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I just threw up on my dentist
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
