my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Randomize
