I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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