Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Randomize
