you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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