Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
