I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
