He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
