if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
