last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
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