Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
