i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
