so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
