All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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