Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
