Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
