theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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