I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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