Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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