obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize