dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
