Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
