Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
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