i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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