I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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