My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
You've changed since you got that strap on
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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