It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
