I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Is Oprah even human
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
