so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize