i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
he shaved USA in his pubs
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize