I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize
