Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Randomize
