I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I have peed in a lot of sinks
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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