fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
