so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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