never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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