I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
