Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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