i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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