Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Randomize
