so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
