My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
