My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Randomize