Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
