Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
