hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Randomize
