i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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