My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
