why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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