So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
