Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
